7 behaviours to avoid when negotiating

Whether you are negotiating a salary with a new employee or with your boss, trying to make a change in work practices or trying to get the kids to do their homework, you are trying to influence the behaviour of other people. Many of us spend much of our working day negotiating, yet are often aware of just how much of our working life revolves around this most important skill.

You can become better at influencing if you recognise that other people's perspectives are rarely the same as yours. Increase the amount of listening you do, and, when you do present your ideas, tailor them to your listener's logic by using words and phrases that make it easier for them to accept what you are suggesting.

So the next time you are talking about a salary with someone, think hard about the following influence breakers, otherwise you may not get the result you want.

Influence breakers - 7 behaviours to avoid:

·      Talking more than listening. People would rather be listened to than talked at. We become defensive when someone is trying hard to influence us. Probe, listen and try hard to understand them. Eventually they will tell you what you need to say to influence them. 

·      Formal-speak. In ordinary conversations, people don't use terminology such as "in the fullness of time", "has not been forthcoming" and "it has been brought to my attention that". Ineffective influencers feel that such phrases boost their case. They don't use the terminology that you would employ in everyday conversations.

·      Parental language. Adults talking to children often use autocratic words such as "can't', "must", "should" and "ought". Delivered to an adult, these irritate and increase resistance.

·      Using "imitators". Phrases such as "with respect", "I hear what you say", "let's be realistic" and "I'm being perfectly reasonable" all convey the opposite message loud and clear to the other person. These terms are all influencing no-no’s.

·      Doing their thinking for them. “What you don't seem to realise is...", "what you clearly haven't taken account of is..." and similar phrases suggest that you are telepathically gifted. They sound insulting and have no persuasive potential. Most people react to them negatively.

·      Arguing. Disagreeing with someone produces a 60 per cent chance that they will disagree back. It's better to probe and understand their point of view.

·      Being dogmatic. The harder you push people, the harder they resist.

Listen to learn and use that learning to influence.